his disorder

my son's blood dropped to the floor

rich red
to the
cold hard
floor
silently

perfect circle with other tiny circles
surrounding

the nurse panicked
plastic gloves
wipe ups
blood from a crazy
what could it bring?

plop

drop

blood...

"when i can't drink or get high
i feel like self-destructing...
just so ya know
...just so ya know"

the needle pierced his
well muscled
well tattooed arm
i didn't hear the blood fall
i didn't know the rush
i couldn't see the injection
but i saw it when it fell
my eyes followed
my heart followed
my thoughts scattered
i saw a young man
i saw a baby
i remembered prayers
i felt the helplessness
my feelings froze

but maybe all would be right now
at least for two weeks
until the next shot
until the next link
to my son's survival

his disorder is not contagious
yet he is so isolated

where his choices are born
he has twisted them
and contorted reality
groping for hope
groping for salvation
groping for love

which he always receives

"mom love"

This October Sky

this october sky
brings with it thought and ponder
ponder
and
thought...

if i had a parachute
to float to earth
from this october sky
it would be made of loving fiber
woven together
during my childhood
by thoughtful parents
and disciplined siblings

but this october sky
finds me falling
without that parachute

there was no such childhood
secure
with loving fiber
woven together
during my childhood
by thoughtful parents
and disciplined siblings

so how did i get here?
(maybe that's the first question)
so high above the earth
so high
unnaturally
against the will of this earth's pull

if i am without a safety
tangible or obvious
if i am not floating gently
to a secure landing
my fear will overtake me

or i will overcome my fear


"The LORD sustains all who fall,
and raises up all who are bowed down." Psalm 145:14

marvelous light

Photo and description credit:
http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/
Hubble's Lagoon
NASA, ESA, Hubble Space Telescope
"Explanation: Like brush strokes on a canvas, ridges of color seem to flow across this scene. But here, the canvas is nearly 3 light-years wide and the colors map emission from ionized gas in the Lagoon Nebula, recorded by the Hubble Space Telescope's Advanced Camera for Surveys. Also known as M8, the nebula is a star forming region about 5,000 light-years distant in the constellation Sagittarius. Hubble's remarkably sharp, close-up view reveals undulating shapes sculpted by the energetic light and winds from the region's new born stars. Of course, the Lagoon nebula is a popular target for earthbound skygazers, too. It features a prominent dust lane and bright hourglass shape in small telescopes with wider fields of view."

MARVELOUS LIGHT
calling me from the darkness
dying to sin
living in His righteousness

by His wounds i am healed
healed
healed
by His wounds i am healed

marvelous light
captive thoughts in obedience
dying to sin
living in His righteousness

by His wounds i am healed
healed
healed
by His wounds i am healed

marvelous light
strength and power through His Spirit
dying to sin
living in His righteousness


"...but you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light..." 1 Peter 2:9

Have You Ever?

From: http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/
How can the majesty of the night sky best be captured in a painting? This was a continual challenge for Vincent van Gogh, a famous painter in the late 1800s who pioneered stirring depictions of star filled skies into several of his works. Pictured above is van Gogh's Starry Night Over the Rhone, where the French town of Arles is depicted complete with gas lights reflecting off the Rhone river. van Gogh's night sky appears alive with turbulent stellar images contrasting with lofty dark blue hues. Above the river, one can discern the stars of the familiar Big Dipper asterism. Following a line connecting the two Big Dipper stars on the right, the North Star Polaris could be easily found, the height of which can then be estimated and actually gives the latitude where the painting was created.

HAVE YOU EVER?

have you ever seen a van gogh painting?
so thick with color
you look at it wondering
was he sculpting or painting?

have you ever seen a night sky?
so thick with wonder
you look at it imagining
was He needing all of that space?

have you ever seen a child's eyes?
so thick with innocence
you look at them sadly
was i ever so innocent?

have you ever lost your direction?
so thick with loneliness
you sink inside yourself questioning
why was i born?

have you ever stopped to listen?
so thick with reason
you wonder at the silence
will the stillness bring me peace?

praise

[artwork from:
http://oxfordinklings.blogspot.com/2010/08/geste-of-beren
The Geste of Beren and Luthien]


reaching for the highest praise
i found that i could not ascend
to heights too tall for me
too free for me
too unlike me

but in that exercise of faith
i learned that i could
spend my heart's gratitude
in words of thanksgiving
and hope for those i love

reaching for the highest praise
i found that i could not be heard
when my heart's gratitude
was tangled with unforgiveness
tangled with worry
tangled with fear

but in that exercise of faith
i learned that His compassion
helps me to untangle
the knots of introspection
and still hope for those i love

reaching for the highest praise
i found that i could not express
what needed most expressing
in quiet
in humility
and in solitude....waiting

but in that exercise of faith
i learned that He is coming
worthy of my highest praise
receiving all my pain
rejoicing in my expression
and loving those i love

the Contender

the Contender of my faith stands over me
He guards my heart
He knows where the enemy is
He knows my cry
He's heard it often enough

i've wrestled with fear and am tired
i don't like the tangled vines of worry
around my faith
i want to walk free of them
please help me, LORD
say to my soul,
"I am your salvation"
and may my soul say back
"You are my salvation, and that is all i need"

a thousand suns have come and gone
days and days of Your creation
blaze the skies
tickle the earth
quench my thirst for beauty
overwhelm me with Your power

an enemy rages and wages war
small and weak am i against this enemy
You are all i need to trust
You send Your people
You send Your power
You love me with Your presence

my soul can now say,
"You are my salvation, and You are all i need"




"Contend, O LORD, with those who contend with me;
Fight against those who fight against me.
Take hold of buckler and shield,
And rise up for my help.
Draw also the spear and the battle-axe
to meet those who pursue me;
Say to my soul, 'I am your salvation.'" -Psalm 35:1-3

prosperity and the loathsome

Pleiades photo from http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/

In Genesis 46 and 47 we get a picture of a great reuniting
as well as a difference in beliefs. The people of God were rather loathsome in the eyes of the prosperous Egyptians. They didn't understand their ways of worship, because they stayed far from God and His people, and relied on the prosperity of their own hands as well as the counsel of their own minds. Yet, here in these chapters we see the workings of grace and purpose. The difficulties endured were part and parcel of the steady unfolding of God's plan for His people. He so desired that they cry out to Him in their time of need.

He wants our attention and will do all it takes to get it.
The splendid understanding comes
when we acknowledge Him as LORD over and over again
in our daily decisions. Our hearts cannot hold all of His goodness,
it will be just the right size for the moment though.
We will be unable to see its ending or beginning,
but the joy will fill us, and we won't care if we can define it.

The people of God are different from the people of this world.
The focus is different.
We are unable to claim our own lives, our sojourning brings us many places. We move, we live, we have our being in a spiritual realm connected to the invisible God who tells us He loves us and gave us His son. Our minds cannot comprehend that story,
but we can relate to it.
We know suffering here.
Jesus suffered too.
Even now, God works to reunite us to Him.


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"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18

"...that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.." Philippians 3:10

"...choosing rather to endure ill-treatment with the people of God than to enjoy the passing pleasures of sin..." Hebrews 11:25